April 13, 2007 | Ken Reed

Friday Joke: The Gospel According to St. Titleist

The TapRooT® Summit is just around the corner! Are you registered? In honor of the TapRooT® Golf Tournament (we still have room for you to play!), we present the Gospel according to St. Titlelist:

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk or on the battle field.

Grantland Rice, (psychoanalyst to George Patton and Bernard Montgomery)

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.

Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.

Gardner Dickinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.

Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.

Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.

Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

Bishop Sheen

11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced.

Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.

Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if someone would put a flag stick on top.

Pete Dye

14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!

Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.

Billy Graham

16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

17. It’s good sportsmanship to refrain from picking up lost golf balls, particulary if they haven’t stopped rolling.

Mark Twain

18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

Harry Vardon

19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.

Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.

All Us Hackers

22. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.

George Deukmejian.

And Finally. .

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

Lee Trevino

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