May 14, 2010 | Barb Carr

Friday Joke: Patient Charts

Comments from doctors as reported on patient charts:

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

“On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”

“The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”

“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

“The patient refused an autopsy.”

“The patient has no past history of suicides.”

“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.” 

“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.” 

“She is numb from her toes down.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.” 

“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.” 

“Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.” 

“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.”

“By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better.”

“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.”

“When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.”

“Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.” 

“The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.” 

“The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.”

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